IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
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16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
📽️movie date🎞️
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”