*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
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Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
dam girl
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
and now we wait
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Based Erika
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?