I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
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I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
mechanics be like
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
This has made my week.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”