I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
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Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”