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How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
This makes total sense…
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.