Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
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Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Life hack
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.