My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
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ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
That’s it.I’m out.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????