son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
You Might Also Like
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.