Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
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I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone