FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
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I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?