I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
You Might Also Like
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Webb. James Webb.