[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
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6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
same vibe as tangled headphones
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I feel it
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
You learn something every day
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work