I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
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My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.