I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
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Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
me when I see my crush
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”