Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
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Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Admin smashed it 😂
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
They’re stuck in your pants?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch