we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
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My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
My dad.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.