dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
You Might Also Like
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*