I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
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I think my mom just blocked me
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about