“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
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I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
this has to be peak English
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.