where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
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“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My new favorite headline
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again