Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
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I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
beware of dog
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok