You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
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My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off