a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
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Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”