just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
this is so top tier i cant