[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that