[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
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*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying