I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
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When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
PARKOUR
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.