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Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.