“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
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My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
This is the best one I’ve seen
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.