When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
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Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
oh you like architecture? name three walls
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.