Based Erika
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After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Who knew!
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.