A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
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My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.