i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
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Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.