Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
You Might Also Like
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Note to self: always read the final line
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.