Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
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My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Generation gap…
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.