My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
You Might Also Like
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Canadian owl: Eh?
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs