I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
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I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Spider-cat: No One Home
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm