cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
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ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.