Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
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[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus