if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.