Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
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You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”