I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
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Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*