EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
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Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.