[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
You Might Also Like
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Husband of the year 😂
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.