Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
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[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.