Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
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[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*