Everyone’s family
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When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.