You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
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I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
the three branches of government
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century