December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
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[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.