HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
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My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.